Hello long lost friend....

It has been much too long and much too sporadic since I was typing in this blog regularly. I know that I should be better and I want to be… so I guess that will happen one post at a time.

I find that I need a place to talk where I can be open and not judged – so I guess this is that place. It has been 7 ½ months since my mom died. Some days I handle things well, some days not so much. Today is an OK day. I am finding that I don’t have to chastise myself for thinking about her as much because it doesn’t debilitate me as much as it used to.

I spent much of the day sitting with a friend of mine going through the last of my dad’s camera collection. She marveled at the many “cool” items that he had and was thrilled when she went home with a couple prized possessions. The joy on her face was not far from the joy on my dad’s as he played with a camera and took it apart simply because he could – just like she did.

There is something about knowing that you are an orphan that is disheartening. It makes me sad and I yearn for my parents. I have fabulous in-laws and a great stepdad – but there isn’t anything that can replace your parents. Some days I ache for their arms to be around me to tell me how proud they are of my accomplishments. (They would think it is really cool that I play roller derby) Some days I wish for Christ to come again so that we can be together…but then I realize that I am not quite THAT ready, yet.

There is no profound thought to end this post – no “just do this” and everything will be better. But I know that this moment will pass. I live moment to moment these days. Most moments are good, some not so good. But ultimately I know that I have been blessed. I am working on focusing on the things I have and not the things that I don’t.

My blessing for today: I have a WONDERFUL husband who loves and adores me. I have amazing, smart children – who make me smile even amid the tears. They are all quick to hug me and make things better. For this I am so thankful!!

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