Not feeling very thankful....

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I am sitting here tonight very sad. We had our ward Cub Scout Blue & Gold dinner. I was so nervous that I wouldn’t have enough stuff to fill the time but I really wasn’t sure what else to do – so I just did it and hoped for the best. It went surprisingly well. As I was driving home (Greg was in the car in front of me), I realized that I didn’t have anyone to call and cheer with. Other than Greg (and I am not discounting him) I don’t have anyone who is really invested in my life.

As adults we hope for that one great friend who knows everything about us and cheer for every part of our lives with us. For me, that was my mom. She wasn’t just invested in my life because
she was my mom, she was invested because she was my best friend. And now she is gone….. These are the moments I miss her most. When I want to call and talk to her about something excited, about something special, or about nothing at all.

I know that it makes Greg feel bad that he can’t fulfill this part of my life, and maybe that is why I wait until he is asleep to cry the most. He is amazing and wonderful and perfect for me, but he can’t fix the hurt. He has tried and I have let him… but it doesn’t seem to go away. Sometimes I think I am doing really well, and then other times when I don’t think I have progressed very much in this grieving process. She has been gone for one week shy of nine months - and some days I am as bad as I was the day I lost her. And that is how I feel - I LOST HER!!!

How am I supposed to do this on my own? I just want her back!

Comments

Leslie said…
You can always call me. I know I'm terrible at keeping in touch, but I do care about you (and I totally pay attention to your posts on Facebook). I cry when I think about losing my mom, and she's not gone yet. I've cried about it for 20 years. I don't know how you feel...but I do know how it feels to be sad. I love you Jen!

(And I bet you ROCKED that Blue & Gold Banquet.)
7:48 AM
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