True Companions

So last night when we talked and I knew you would come sit with me at the clinic today while Greg was in surgery, I never realized that you would actually send someone to do that. .. So I left Greg's bed side, completely emotional and freaking out (completely irrationally, of course) trying desperately not to fall apart as I walked downstairs to get something to eat. I get my food from the cafe and go to sit down. Every table has people sitting at them. As I tried to figure out where to eat, a woman motioned me to sit with her. She said, "I won't be here long". I sit down and we started talking. Her name was Pat and she lived in St. Louis Park. She came to the clinic for injections in her ankle for her arthritis. She was just having a cup of coffee before she left. We talked and talked - even about you. I learned about her children, her grand children and even her great grandchildren (one was born just last week). Finally I looked at the clock and realized th...

I have been watching a lot of movies lately that remind me of you. Extremely Close & Incredibly Loud and The Decendants. Neither of them were very good. I probably disliked them more because of how they made me feel, rather than whether they were a good movie or not. But I miss sharing them with you. I have been watching Dancing with the Stars for you. Allen still can't turn it on. It is an amazing year and you would have loved it! They gave out 10s by the third week. It is crazy - even good people are starting to go home. There has already been some serious injuries and falls. It is a great season to watch. Jilly bought a purse the other day. It matches your purse and she put Gracie in it. She misses you!! We both do. I just wish you were around to talk to and do stuff with. Greg broke his leg last night. We were skating and he lost his balance and tried to correct it and did a crazy dislocation of his ankle. Whenever someone gets hurt at practice you take a...

I just took Jilly to get her first Mani-Pedi. I needed a pedicure – but I haven’t had one since I was with you a year ago. I was sure that I was going to sob through it – Greg assured me that is was exactly the reason why I needed to get one. He is an amazing husband!! So we went. I posted pictures to my Facebook. She was so cute. She got flowers on her big toes and on her thumbs. It made me think of all of my experiences with you. It is so helpful to me that I now have a daughter that I can share things with that I used to share with you. We found this consignment shop on the bottom floor of the apartment building we went to look at yesterday for Allen. You would have LOVED it. You would have been their BEST customer!! I got a GORGEOUS Lane cedar chest. I have always had romantic ideas about my children going into my cedar chest and pulling out all of these wonderful and cherished items. Now I am so excited that I have one. I just have to fill it!

I woke up today missing you. I am not sure what made today a different day than any other. I realized that one year ago I was with you in Arizona. It was the last time you held me, the last time you hugged and kissed my babies. It was the last time that you said you loved me face to face. I miss you! I miss your voice, I miss your smile. I know that you are still there and that you can see me. I know that it hurts you to see me so sad. I try to be strong and not let the emotions take over. I tried to find people that would make me happy today, instead everyone I talked to today ended up crying with me. Sometimes I wish I could be more like you, more able to put my emotions away and not give in to them. I wish there was someone who knew how I felt. I know that there are people who have lost their mothers, but not very many people have said that they lost their mother and their best friend at the same time. Our relationship was so unique. I am so thankful every day that I had ...

I have decided that since I get the most sad when I want to talk to my mom and I can’t, that I would just do it here… because I know she can read it. ;-) Oh what a day!! Both Jack and Hunter were up all night throwing up. By 10:00 am I was on my third set of crib sheets. Hunter, of course stayed home from school. I had an oil change appointment at 11:00 so my plan was to put Jack down for a nap and take Jilly with me, that way Hunter didn’t have to do anything other than be here. I got a call from Danny’s school nurse that his stomach was hurting. I picked him up and took him with me to the appointment. By the time my car was ready, Danny was jumping all over the chairs. I called the school nurse and brought him back to school. Besides, it was actually safer, and healthier, for him to be there than here at our house. Jilly was so funny today! Since we had Greg’s car for the oil change, she didn’t have a movie player in there and was talking away to herself. This was her conversati...

I am sitting here tonight very sad. We had our ward Cub Scout Blue & Gold dinner. I was so nervous that I wouldn’t have enough stuff to fill the time but I really wasn’t sure what else to do – so I just did it and hoped for the best. It went surprisingly well. As I was driving home (Greg was in the car in front of me), I realized that I didn’t have anyone to call and cheer with. Other than Greg (and I am not discounting him) I don’t have anyone who is really invested in my life. As adults we hope for that one great friend who knows everything about us and cheer for every part of our lives with us. For me, that was my mom. She wasn’t just invested in my life because she was my mom, she was invested because she was my best friend. And now she is gone….. These are the moments I miss her most. When I want to call and talk to her about something excited, about something special, or about nothing at all. I know that it makes Greg feel bad that he can’t fulfill this part of my life,...

It has been much too long and much too sporadic since I was typing in this blog regularly. I know that I should be better and I want to be… so I guess that will happen one post at a time. I find that I need a place to talk where I can be open and not judged – so I guess this is that place. It has been 7 ½ months since my mom died. Some days I handle things well, some days not so much. Today is an OK day. I am finding that I don’t have to chastise myself for thinking about her as much because it doesn’t debilitate me as much as it used to. I spent much of the day sitting with a friend of mine going through the last of my dad’s camera collection. She marveled at the many “cool” items that he had and was thrilled when she went home with a couple prized possessions. The joy on her face was not far from the joy on my dad’s as he played with a camera and took it apart simply because he could – just like she did. There is something about knowing that you are an orphan that is disheartening. ...