I miss you today

I woke up today missing you. I am not sure what made today a different day than any other. I realized that one year ago I was with you in Arizona. It was the last time you held me, the last time you hugged and kissed my babies. It was the last time that you said you loved me face to face. I miss you! I miss your voice, I miss your smile. I know that you are still there and that you can see me. I know that it hurts you to see me so sad. I try to be strong and not let
the emotions take over. I tried to find people that would make me happy today, instead everyone I talked to today ended up crying with me. Sometimes I wish I could be more like you, more able to put my emotions away and not give in to them. I wish there was someone who knew
how I felt. I know that there are people who have lost their mothers, but not very many people have said that they lost their mother and their best friend at the same time. Our relationship was so unique. I am so thankful every day that I had the time with you that I did. I am thankful that you were my mom. I realize that I was so blessed to have had the relationship with you that I did. The last words you ever said to me were “I wish I could tell you one more time to
your face how much I love you!” Thank you for loving me and helping me to become the person I am (even if these days it seems to be a blubbering idiot). I pray that I can have the relationship with my children that you and I had. Allen told me today that I should be thankful for the three and a half years I had you in Arizona with me – and I am, I am so grateful for that time. Jilly told me tonight, when she walked into my room and saw me crying, “I love Grandma Pam! I love watering her flowers!!” I am so thankful that she got to know you and that she remembers you. I often miss your voice. I will go through old videos of the kids and listen to you talking in the background.