Notes to self.

If I was a full on post-it note writer, I would write the following notes:

To my father-in-law: Listen you crazy old man, you might have some cool STUFF, but honestly we would rather have you around more than your STUFF. Granted, we could all do without the rudeness and biting sarcasm. Oh and if you'd pay an ounce of attention to other people and actually listen, instead of wallowing in your own self-pity, you'd probably find that more people love you and care about you then you ever want to believe.

To my wife: I love you. I love you dearly! In the future however, when I tell you to kill the mosquito that is buzzing around my head, don't just smack me in the face without actually looking to see where the offending critter is located. (It was nowhere near my face at the time of impact) I understand your unconditional desire to help when called upon, but blindly smacking me while I am feeding our infant child is not exactly what I had in mind when I said, "Hey get that mosquito that is buzzing by my head".

To my son: How is it that you can't be aware of the child swing (and therfore tripping over it), can't seem to grasp the idea that if you bite on a fork wrong it will hurt your gums, but when you are upstairs in your room and I sneeze out of regular earshot you manage to say, "Bless you!"

To my mother-in-law: Why do you feel the need to impart a false wisdom about taking care of animals? Do I need to have your daughter remind you of your fickle behavior when frustrated by animals that don't comply with your wishes?
Whoosh!!! bye-bye little annoying hamster.

To my son: How is it that you can grow so tall when you have no desire to eat anything nutritious that you mother puts on your plate? Umm.. hasn't anyone told you that in order to grow your body actually needs something inside it to make that growth possible?

To my cat: Yeah I know.. Two dogs?! I agree it's stupid. But you have to admit, having your head free to breathe instead of being inside the throat of the dog is a relief! Oh and thanks for not chewing on my toes at 3:00am, your a real pal!

To the creditor who apparently feels we are holding out: First of all, if I had the money, what makes you think I would want to BORROW any from you from the beginning? Don't ask me patronizing questions if you don't like the ligitimate answers I give you. It's bad enough that I have relatives and an X wife who think I am holding out on them and are in waiting for their dole!

To my X wife: Your stupid tricks and bleeding heart excuses do not work any longer. Please, Please, Please stop abusing my children with your carelessness and lies. Cluelessness isn't cute! So stop teaching my children this manipulation and allow them the satifaction that comes from being admired as a person of integrity like their father.

To the family court system: What the HELL is the point of having a CUSTODY EVALUATION, when the recommendation from the CUSTODY EVALUATOR is completely disregarded? "Oh I know, lets do the complete OPPOSITE of what the HIGHLY QUALIFIED EVALUATOR with a PHD in Human behavior and family dynamics has recommended." You are so brilliant. I'm so happy the world is full of Judges who can't be bothered to read important documents. Oh! and to the brilliant judge who granted the injunction, your powers of observation are astounding! It's just amazing that you can deduce that there would be tension between two individuals in a court room. I thought everyone comes to court to relax and get a break from the dog eat dog world that we live in!

To my DVD burner: Why is it so difficult to 'autodetect' that I have put a new piece of DVD media in my drive and am ready to burn all 4.7GB of my data on that DVD? No computer, its not a CD its a DVD you stupid machine!! ARRRGHH!! You used to work just fine! Who screwed up my PC!

To the gremlin that screwed up my PC: Die! DIE! Die!

Anyway, those are a few of the notes I would leave. I'm sure there are a lot more, but those would satify me for the time being.

Comments

Jen said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jen said…
ha ha ha!! I laughed out loud - even as I was reading it to mom. Sorry I hit you in the head! LOL
Anonymous said…
I love your new look of your blog. I just love you guys!
--Mom Woolf
scrapmom4 said…
Wow. What a day!
Les.
Anna said…
I like this idea for a post. Made me laugh. I love the way you write!

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